I still dont know what love means- but im learning

I started this blog, very hesitantly, with the inspiration, support, and lovingly forceful urging of some lovely friends of mine. These alleged friends (I do actually have some, despite the amount of time I spend on the interwebs) encouraged me to post these fumbling journals that I have been working on over the years, and were starting to collect dust (not because they were sitting in one place for a long time- my apartment was just always really dusty). Regardless- they wanted me to share them because they had found a little bit of solace, peace, understanding, or some reason to once again spark their righteous indignation about previous relationships (which there are many of) while reading through them. These beautiful friends are some of the most amazing women I have met, and without them I never would have had the courage to put my inside out, upside down, sad little scared scarred heart out to the world.

Making these journals started out as a therapeutic exercise. Yes, I am in therapy myself (you're welcome world), but I started learning how to use art therapy/photo journaling as part of my training in becoming a therapist. Little did I know that 5 years, 800 pages, a lot of tears, and a ton of photo paper later, it turns out that the exercise was on me. What began as a passive attempt to try something new (I have zero artistic abilities), ended up saving my sanity, and maybe even my life a little bit.

So, to those who have wandered here, welcome! I can't tell you how glad I am to have you. I always wonder who stops here to read these words and look at these pictures- what they think, how they feel, what they did that day, what their life is like, what caused their scars, what they are doing while reading it... It's pretty exhausting being me, actually. That's a lot of questions.

My dad wrote me a little note after reading this blog (nothing on the internet/blog world is private anymore!). He said, "it seems like you're confused about love. I like that. I think you're supposed to be." Well, as I just passed my 30th birthday, I have to say I thought I would have had more figured out by now. But I guess that's the point, really. But this I do know- as an awkward gay kid growing up in Ohio, I never quite felt like I fit in, and I was always looking for something- words, pictures, people, stories, anything that reflected what I felt like on the inside. Which probably explains my lifelong obsession with quotes.. but not my hoarding, unfortunately. Much of my development has been influenced by my sister; a smart, talented woman with Asperger's. Watching her grow up, too often tormented, teased, and misunderstood by others- taught me the impact that our behavior- and words, have on others. I've learned how powerful words can be, both in the damage that they can cause, but also in the healing and strength that they can provide. My experiences, and watching those around me, instilled in me a desire to know others, simply put, as they are. Perhaps trying to compensate for what few people were willing to see in my sister, and eventually leading me to become a therapist. A job that grants me the privilege of hearing others tell their story, with vulnerability, and honest courage.
Anyways, my point is- that I hope anyone who wanders here finds something that speaks to their heart, their head, perhaps even their ego. Whatever really- I just hope it feels real. And maybe- if we're both lucky, it might feel a little good too. Or, at the very least, maybe your feelings, pain, or thoughts you fear might be crazy, will feel a little less lonely knowing that you're not the only who has them running laps in their head...

Even if you're not sure anyone else does, I love you.